How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize