I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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