It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
