"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
