More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
