Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
