You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
do nipples grow back?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
