I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
