You really coming over, don't trick.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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