I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
