my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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