hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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