Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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