im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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