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That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
