life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
