I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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