Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I party with great urgency now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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