All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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