I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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