I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
