it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
