I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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