just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
