Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
