I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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