Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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