dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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