Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
a search helicopter?!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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