You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
