Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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