you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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