I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
