I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
