I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Less talking, more tequila
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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