I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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