I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Randomize
