There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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