New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have aggressive nipples.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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