i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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