Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
