Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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