I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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