I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
