I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
