the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they're like a gay fantastic four
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
