I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
