I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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