If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
