she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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