her vagine was all disorganized.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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