I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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